UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE – “What Happened?”
Posted: May 13, 2011
He was like a magnet. You were drawn to him and fell head over heels in love with him because of his charisma, the way he could dazzle a room, make the little old ladies smile and make you feel like a movie star. He had fun, crazy creative ideas for entertainment every weekend; he could make you laugh until your belly ached and he could pick you up, and literally sweep you off your feet. Now that you’re married to him, he drives you crazy with his frenetic activity, you can hardly tolerate the way he dominates all conversations in social settings and he is never happy spending an evening at home cuddling and watching T.V.
OR:
You fell in love with him because of his calm, easy going nature; nothing fazed him. Who cares if you showed up late at a restaurant; no problem! So what if you didn’t get around to paying off your Visa bill on time; why worry about it? Relax, take it easy, quit rushing; life is to be enjoyed. Now that you’ve married him and lived with him for a while, you can’t get him to do the things that need to get done and you secretly perceive him as downright lazy.
What happened; did I marry the wrong man? Probably not, actually, that is probably the way life should happen!
It is the things we don’t have in own personality, but wished we did, that draw us into the opposite attraction. Because I am a goal oriented, task person and my love language is acts of service, I am drawn to someone who is easy going, relaxed, who finds the time to stop and chat with people. It is through much aggravation and pain that I have discovered how God uses our opposite personalities to teach us balance and how to draw the best qualities from each other. It is one of the greatest gifts we can have in our marriage.
- If you are a goal oriented person and your husband is the relaxed, do it tomorrow, easy going guy, you will have to discover the middle ground. Life is not about getting everything done perfectly, finishing everything off your “to do” list before the sun goes down. It is more important to stop and ask people how they are doing, take time to sit and have conversation with each other, and relax and make lots of time for fun activities.
- If you are talker, and you wear your emotions on a sleeve, but your husband is quiet and seems emotionally withdrawn; learn from him how everything does not have to be a big drama event. But you can help him to discover the joy and freedom of sharing his feelings when he is discouraged, anxious or angry.
- If you are the party girl and you need constant new activity; always another dinner out, rock climbing, a new mountain bike for the next adventure, a trip to Las Vegas, but your husband likes to stay home and watch sports; believe it or not your husband can help you to enjoy life even more by bringing some balance into your unrelenting activity. It’s OK to spend evenings at home enjoying a nice meal and watching a mutually agreed on movie.
The person who was quiet to begin with, may withdraw even more as the other spouse continues to dominate. He may withdraw right out the door. The charismatic person may end up doing things on their own, and maybe someday pack their suitcase and find joy in another city, because their other spouse isn’t interested in the endless activity.
So what happens over time is that instead of us learning from our opposite personalities, we become repelled by them, frustrated and either withdraw, or get mad. After a while it seems that the only solution is divorce because obviously you are not made for each other.
Relax, there is hope! We have been put into each other’s lives to help us learn to see life through different lenses. Initially it is hard to see how this can benefit us, but that frustrating, opposite personality can, IF YOU LET IT, be a gift that can help you bring beautiful balance into your life. Again, it all starts through communicating your frustrations, your pain, perhaps discussing your feeling of how you feel undervalued or overlooked, rejected and even unloved.
Think back on those things that made you fall in love with him. They are still there, but probably buried under a pile of hostility, frustration and feeling unloved. Dig through the rubble, pull them out and learn to use them; one small step at a time. Make a deliberate choice to go out of your comfort zone to learn how to balance your personality with his to enjoy a marriage you said “I do” to…some years ago.
