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UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE-The Deceptive Gucci Luggage

Posted: May 24, 2011

“Have you left your luggage unattended at any time?” This is one of the questions the girl at the airline check-in counter asks before she allows me to plunk my luggage onto her conveyer belt.  I know this simple, ridiculous question is for my safety; to protect me from terrorism or any other harm.   Yet so many of us, before we say our “I do’s” and get ready to fly into our marriage; don’t ask each other that straightforward, life saving question.  We arrive at the marriage alter dragging our gorgeous, deceptive Gucci luggage which holds all of our garbage and secrets.

There probably has not been any reason to unzip the baggage; after all you have both been in a magical, endorphin induced courtship. Now the day to day routine of life begins with its challenges and obstacles, and before you know it you are pulling the luggage zipper and the unannounced rubbish explodes.

1. The sexual abuse that was thrust upon you when you were young; sabotages every area of the sexual relations and intimate moments with your husband.
2. While growing up you were never affirmed in the two areas which mattered the most; that you were intelligent and beautiful. You hoped your husband would believe in you and affirm you in those two areas; but no matter what he says to encourage you; you still feel unattractive and not smart enough.
3. You daddy never treated you like a princess or came to your rescue when you needed help; surely your husband would fill that void. He does not. 
4. Your spouse said he said he believed in God and would start coming to church with you; but he hated his “religious” upbringing. Now you can’t get him through the church doors.
5. His mother modeled for him what it means to be a great cook and homemaker. Apparently you don’t match that visual image and your husband gets angry and frustrated with your inadequacy.
6. You saw your dad fix everything around the house, and your parents prayed before every meal. Now you expect that is how things will unfold in your marriage.
7. You were raised to believe that drinking wine is sinful, and now your husband likes a beer every Friday night and the occasional wine with his meals. You are horrified and want him to stop.
8. You hated the way your mother told you to clean your room or stop talking on the phone all the time. You hear your mother’s voice as you scream at your own children.
9. You have expectations of what marriage should look like; your parents modeled it for you. Why are these images and scripts not working in your own marriage?
10. You thought your husband would satiate you with his love and you could stop EARNING your love through perfectionism, accomplishments and people pleasing. You find yourself in the same habitual, draining, frustrating patterns you were in before you were married.

And on it goes. All the insecurity, anger and expectations that were stuffed away in a nicely disguised Gucci luggage bag, begin to emerge. No matter how hard you try; you can’t seen to make them stop or go away. You expected your spouse’s love to fill you completely so that it would drown out the garbage and voices from the past.  The sad news is that no matter how well disguised our garbage is; it will sabotage our marriages. Our spouses are not the savior of our lives.

So how do we stop this madness before it destroys our marriage? The apostle Paul in the bible says, “I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength” (Phil. 4:12-13 NIV). How do we learn to be content and ridiculously joyful in spite of the garbage we have dragged in from the past?

We need to do what Romans 12:2 tells us we need: to be renewed by “the transforming of our minds.” Daily, we need to replace any lies and false images that were burned into our brain from our growing up years, let go of unrealistic expectations of our spouses, and begin to function in the truth of our present reality.

Of course this takes time and process, and next week I will tell you how to start this process on a day-to-day basis.

Posted in: Balancing life, Beauty from the Inside Out, Beauty Unleashed, Communication, Encouragement, Expectations, False Belief Systems, Finding Truth, Forgiveness, Friendship, Good Marriage, Hope, Intimacy, Making Wise Choices, Pain Pleasure, Resentment, Understanding each other